Oh, The Things I Have Seen

Conditions: Not too damn bad

The Horribilis of Annus

Well another year has ended, of which we are supremely grateful. So many things went wrong this year it's actually difficult to summarise them all. So instead of bothering, let's have a look at the films of 2011 instead.

The Good.

Tangled. Brilliant, warm-hearted retelling of the old Disney standard that stands toe to toe with anything Pixar can do, but in Disney's own grand style.

The Fourth Kind. Shockingly terrifying portrayal of alien abductions in Alaska

The Tourist. Stylish and fun heist movie, with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, who are also stylish and fun.

Sucker Punch. Ultra stylish, exciting action fest with a solid core about insanity and escape.

World Invasion. Battle: Los Angeles. Solid war drama, only with aliens instead of nazis

The Adjustment Bureau. Sweet drama where true love has to conquer fate, as well as everything else.

Fair Game. Solid if exhausting drama about the CIA lies behind the Iraq War.

True Grit. Very realistic and strong western yarn.


The Okay.

Pirates of the Caribbean - On Stranger Tides. Fun, but maybe Orlando and Keira were needed after all to give more of a balance to Jack?

Immortals. Stylish to a fault. That fault being a lack of character development or a cohesive plot.

In Time. Cracking good idea, but leading to a bit of a muddled Bonnie and Clyde theme, and a non-ending.

Hanna. Bizarre, haunting, odd, illogical.

Senna. Very good documentary, but not actually balanced at all, which is unfair.

Thor. Likeable, but so very bland.

X-Men First Class. Well executed prequel, but somehow lacking in actual characters to care about.


The Bad.

Drive. Stylish as hell. But ultimately pointless and barren.

The Three Musketeers. Yeah, who needs sword fighting heroics when we could just have a giant airship battle instead. A movie pointlessly upstaged by itself.

Cars 2. A plot about spies and racing could work, but when it's concerning a fool and a cipher, no one really cares.

Fast5. Hateful, vicious, stupid waste of time and money

The Green Hornet. Overbearing and stupid, despite having the right idea it just simply doesn't do enough with it.

Limitless. Awful, awful movie that ultimately endorses drug culture and the healing power of greed.

Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. Oy. I swear, if Michael Bay had actually put any effort into this thing it could have destroyed society as we know it. As it stands, it is a monument to incoherence and chaos. A film that barrages the audience until they are so battered they will limp out of the theater thinking they were entertained, perhaps in the hope that then the torture will stop. A movie I am ashamed to share the planet with. A movie that, billions of years from now when it finally is received by any intelligent life on the other side of the universe, will condemn us as a species undeserving of any pity or consideration. So thanks, Bay, for cursing us once and (hopefully) for all with your relentless hackery.



Film Review: Immortals

Immortals refers to the Titans and the Olympians, who battled each other in the time before time. The Olympians won and imprisoned the Titans inside a mountain, where we see them at the start of this film. This story is actually about Theseus, a young peasant who is apparently destined for great things. To get to those, as in the way of most old legends, great suffering first must occur. Hence King Hyperion, played by Mickey Rourke, attacking village after village, building up his army in search of a magical bow he can use to release the Titans from their prison. His family were killed despite his prayers to the gods, so now he's out for revenge. Naturally Theseus's village is yet another one to be conquered, and Theseus is enslaved. He teams up with a thief, a monk and a prophet and together they escape and go off to try and find the bow first.

Now the Olympians could come down at any point and put a stop to this, but under the rule of Zeus they are not allowed to. Zeus has this new policy of not interfering with mortals, so it's up to Theseus and the gang. How do they do? Well, terribly actually. They essentially stumble over the bow with a tip off thanks to the prophet, then subsequently lose it to Hyperion five minutes later, then spend the rest of the film not being able to stop him and his army from attacking the fort/mountain where the Titans wait to be released. It all ends up in a series of massive fight sequences, where one army battles another, Hyperion knocks the stuffing out of Theseus, and the Olympians having to fight the released Titans.

I had to watch this film through 3D, which I found annoying and distracting, as per usual. The visual look of the film is stunning, as would be expected of director Tarsem Singh, but I can't help but think the script needed more work. The characters in it are paper thin, with the conflicts between them not really getting a chance to air. I wanted to know who the Titans were, and why they fought the Olympians. I wanted more for the thief, the monk and the prophet to do - they essentially just tag along the whole second part of the film. I wanted some kind of resolution between Hyperion and the Gods he so hated - after freeing the Titans he never gets to see what happens. The characters are all so disconnected it's dissatisfying. The only person who really stands out is Rourke as the evil tyrant. He can do menacing in his sleep, and he's given a character who's simply pure evil, and hence is pretty effective to watch. In contrast, the gods are played by kids in golden armour, and struggle a bit to show the full weight of the Olympic gods. While the film is enthusiastically violent and blood soaked, I don't really think it tries to be more than a spectacle. And while it is quite a spectacle, that's not enough. Three magic arrows out of five.


- Peace out