The Force Will Be Sucking. Always.

Film Review: Too Damn Hot

Film Review: Star Wars - The Rise of Skywalker

In many ways the last ever Star Wars sequel feels desperate.  It's like a badly managed game of soccer, where a very good team has struggled and blundered about the field for most of the match, and finally with the clock ticking down the big hitters just run the ball somewhat anticlimactically into the net.  All the pieces are in place, the ending is safe and obvious, and it just needs a fairly simple number of moves to get to the final credits.  But even with the obvious end point in sight, the film has to jump about and fling fairly well known tropes at us, because it's expected.

And a lot of blame for this madness is the previous film, The Last Jedi.  As I understand it, an overall plan was lain out by JJ Abrams and Disney people for the three films, JJ started the plan with The Force Awakens, but Rian veered off course with his sequel.  So now, at the start of the film that's supposed to wrap everything up, JJ is forced into having to introduce new elements and reverse some of the ideas that he was left with.

First and foremost is, surprise, Emperor Palpatine.  Despite being thrown to his death and exploded like 30 some years ago it turns out he's actually undead and well.  This is basically everyone not caring any more.  Apparently death in this universe is optional, and Palpatine simply got himself plugged back into his rotting corpse, attached the corpse to some kind of giant robot arm, and just kept on working.  His multitude of workers and endless resources, both pulled directly out of Disney's ass, allowed him to create and animate Snoke, run the First Order, cultivate both Rey and Ben Solo, and construct an enormous fleet of Star Destroyers.  All under cover, of course.  Even in death the Jedi still suck.

Something else he apparently did was get busy, as it turns out Rey isn't a nobody after all but in finest Disney tradition is a princess too, and one of her parents had the Emperor as dear old dad.  They dumped her with slavers on Jakku to keep her safe, as you do.  Where the hell were the Jedi in all this?  Palpatine ignores being killed and gets to work building a freaking armada, and Yoda, Ben, Luke, Qui-gon, even Sam L Jackson?  Can't be bothered.

You can literally start checking off important beats the movie has to hit.  Resurrect the masses of rebel soldiers and their weapons and ships, all blown to smithereens in the last film but who cares about that, and have them at some secret base, check.  Have Rey training hard to be a Jedi, under the gaze of (apparently) Master Leia, check.  Action sequence with the Falcon and Chewey, check.  Get the main characters - Rey, Finn, Poe, onto the Falcon and have them go off on an adventure - very big check.  The middle of the film is a big easter egg hunt.  They have to find the thing, that leads to the thing, that requires another thing, that leads to a thing.  Along the way they'll encounter many different planets and aliens, with chances for witty banter aplenty.  Finally they assemble ready for the big battle, as the Emperor readies his fleet to attack... I dunno, everyone I guess.

In fairness, this film is badly affected by the loss of Carrie Fisher, who was meant to have a bigger role but died before any filming was started.  Everything you see of her was either a deleted scene from previous films or is done through shadows, stand-ins or CGI.  And her character still has a big say in proceedings, particularly in dealing with Darth Edgelord, Ben Solo.  Ben, unhappy about the Emperor showing up and stealing his thunder, still decides to team up with him and find and kill Rey.  To cut a very long story short, he loses.  This is where the film really starts to flail about.  As Leia dies while force-messaging her son, Rey stabs him with her light saber.  He falls to the ground, and Rey then force heals him (another new thing) before stealing his ship and flying off to confront the Emperor.  Ben has a change of heart and, after a nice chat with a memory of his dad and throwing his light saber away, goes off after her.

Rey confronts the Emperor, who goes through like 3 different plans in about 5 minutes.  First he cackles this was all part of the plan and he never actually wanted to kill his grand daughter, then he says he's glad she's there, and he wants her to kill him and become the new Emperor.  Then when Ben shows up he realises he can just suck the life force out of both of them and live anew.  Finally in the greatest hits montage he breaks out the force lightning.  Now, we've all been here before.  Shooting force lightning at someone holding a light saber is bad.  You know it, I know it, but Palpatine has apparently forgotten, and when the dust clears everyone's dead.  Or at least as dead as possible in this universe.  Ben got thrown off a cliff but he returns, and force-resurrects Rey with enough time for a kiss before dying.  And if anyone thinks the Emperor is actually dead this time they're an idiot.

So that's that.  A wobbly and uncertain exercise in justifying a massive investment has ended with some pretty bad tarnishing and an uncertain future.  I don't know where they go from here but I think it's safe to say no-one has any appetite for any more big screen shenanigans for a number of years.  That such promise could end up this damply is probably the biggest surprise of all.  Two friendly ghosts out of five.

- Peace out.