On the Eastern Middle

Conditions: Sunny.
Listening to: Eurythmics, Best of!!

Time once again to muse over the situation in the middle east. Word reaches us here at Jones central that the American administration is so desperate for a way to get out of Iraq that they are currently holding secret talks with leaders of the Iraqi insurgency, Syria and even Iran. Can you imagine how that conversation is going? "So, ah, yeah, about that whole 'invading the country' thing, funny story, turns out we've really stepped in some shit there. So, wanna come over?" It makes you want to choke on your bile.

But I think there's an interesting opportunity for peace here though. Because what we really need right now is for America to realise her error, and having to go hat in hand to a rival, especially a rival you've been bad-mouthing in the press for years, is a hell of a way to wake up. In fact, if Iran agree to work with the Americans to try and keep Iraq stable (which is in their best interests, too), it could be the beginning of a backdown in the fiery rhetoric these two nations have been throwing at each other recently. Nothing like a shared crisis to form a bond.


Global Warming. In my PANTS!

I find this hilarious. Researchers, and politicians, are now saying that climate change is going to cause an enormous financial catastrophe in the very near future. Oh noes! My precious bank account! We must flee, to Switzerland! Save us, Scrooge McDuck!

Seriously, we're all doomed. The men of power are idiots. There's nothing we can do. So we might as well sit back and enjoy the ride. I feel fine.

Peace out.

The dog goes on holiday, too.

Current Conditions: Stormy. Then sunny. WTF?
Currently listening to: I hate this keyboard. Hate. Hate. Hate! HATE!!


The folks are away on vacation, their house all closed up and empty. The family dog was going to be left in place, and looked in on by the duitiful siblings, but on close inspection this weekend, I find that the sister unit has taken said dog into her own house, and the dog was discovered happily wandering around the 'new' house, snacking on food and meeting with various children. So not only do the folks get to vacation somewhere else for a while, the dog does too.

I guess this is the follow-on effect of vacationing: other things that are related to you get a vacation of sorts as well. In fact, if we could all figure out a way of organising our vacation times, we could possibly all enjoy a break of sorts throughout the year. Get on that, would you?


Bad DVDs

On renting a DVD on the weekend, I stumbled into the one thing any DVD watcher fears most of all. The glitchy DVD. Yes, I know some of you quailed in spirit as you read the words. You never know if it's going to happen, or when it might occur. But Jodie Foster's just picked up a fire extinguisher, is about to hit Peter Saarsgard with it, and wh..aa..aa..aa.. ARRRGH!! the DVD player starts skipping and grinding, grinding and skipping. Is there anything more frustrating than glichy DVDs? At least VHS tapes wouldn't skip. The picture and sound might warp, but it would only stop if it was on fire. Sometimes I miss that.


Meal in a bun.

Whilst feasting on a mighty Turkey toasted sandwich from the good folks at Subway (eat fresh!) it occured to me that what I had wasn't just a sandwich, it was the essential elements of a meal. You've got your meat (turkey), cheese, lettuce, other healthy type things and some bread. That's a meal where I come from, only convientiently stacked together. Well played, Subway. Well played.


Installing software.

In my day, installing something took about 30 minutes. Obviously at some point I have been abducted and transported through a wormhole into the furtherest reaches of time, because it has taken pretty much all of today to install two software products on this computer. At 4 and a bit gig. I hope the Microsoft slaves are beaten extra-hard tonight for this outrage.


Peace out.

Gear Whine in second.

Conditions: wet and rainy
Currently Listening to: Kashmir, Led Zepplin.

The test drive.

I found a car on the internet I wanted to buy last week. It's being sold by a garage in town. I scoped it out, and got access to it today in order to drive it to a trusted mechanic. It's a very old car, sporting and British in nature. It's a blast to drive, exactly how I hoped it would feel and sound like. The mechanics felt great, gearbox, engine, clutch, even the brakes weren't too bad. The car had an overdrive switch so you could cruise along at speed, and a sunroof, for the sun. So I picked it up this morning, intending to drive it across town to the trusted mechanic. The weather's taken a turn but I don't mind. So I hop in and fire it up, and I'm accelerating onto the motorway when I see the fuel gauge is pegged at empty. Crap.

Not only do I not know where the car is, I don't know what fuel it takes either. So I cruise into the nearest Shell station, pull up at the pump and get out. Man this thing is low to the ground. The ignition key won't fit into the gas cap, and it's the only key on the chain. Not good. I go inside and get some cash for the payphone. No I do not have a cellphone. Shut up. So I call the good folks up and they ..don't have any answers for me. The key should work. So I cross my fingers, get back in (man this thing is low) and drive back. The owner is home sick, and his two deputies take turns messing around with the cap. They even ring the owner up, still no help. Finally after looking through the interior (which would need a lot of work) we find the key and I'm back in, and back onto the motorway. Man this thing is low.

A quick ten buck splash of fuel (half the tank!) and I'm only running about 40 minutes late. So now I get to cruise through midday rush hour traffic, in intermittent rain, in a totally new (to me) English sporting-oriented car. It's a blast. The heater works, and the windscreen wipers have two speeds! There's a switch down low behind the gearstick that doesn't do anything. Mystery switches! Everything feels great, clutch, gearbox, heavy steering wheel and crackly growl from the exhaust every time you nudge the throttle. Man this thing is low. Finally get to the Mechanic, let's call him Rod, and he puts it up on a lift. Funny how different a car looks when it's 8 feet in the air.

So, we've found a fun, cheap, sporting type classic. It runs great, and is totally available. Can you guess what happens now? That's right, turns out it's a rust heap. There's rust here, there's rust there, there's even some rust over there. And there's big places where the rust was, isn't no more, but the repair has to be undone and done again. Crap. So Rod has a real good look at the car, and it's a mess. It's going to cost about 7 grand or so just to repair the rust, and that's ignoring all the other bits and pieces that would need to be done. I can't afford that, well, I don't want to afford that. I don't want a restoration project, I want something I can run right now and maintain every now and then, like the car I already have.

So she comes down off the lift, I sincerely thank Rod for his help, and he won't accept any payment for his advice. The man is a saint. So I get back in (man this thing is low), turn it around and with heavy heart (and heavier right foot) head back across town to give it back. Gosh it's a lot of fun to drive. As I said, the boss isn't there, so I park it where I found it, thank the guys for their help, and mutter something about calling tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'll call tomorrow.

Man that thing was low.

Were and teir

Conditions: Hot 'n Blustery

Old Hrdwre.

My keybord hs problem. The '' key isn't working. (hint: rhymes with 'hey'). Now in this modern world we live in, it's simple solution: buy nother keybord. Well I hve problem with tht. I like this keybord. It's n old IBM model, with relly chunky feel to it, nd solid-feeling keys. This thing isn't orgnic, it's not ll soft nd pologetic like modern ones re. It's not like typing on dmp sponge, like new keybords. this is mns keybord. solid lump of thing tht one cn swet over, hmmering out code like the devil himself. I've lived on this keybord for s long s I cn remember, nd I wnt it repired. It's only one key. You'd think tht would be OK. But oh no. Every single Computer Repir shop in the yellow pges wnts to give me ttitude, insted of recieving my money. "We don't repir keybords", they sy. "Why don't you just buy new one", they sy. "They only cost 40 bucks", they sy. "We do you good del", they sy. Well screw them. I don't wnt new keybord, I wnt good one. nd they don't mke good ones nymore, like everything else from crs to tosters to televsions to movies, if you wnt qulity, rel qulity, you've got to go with something older.

Start again.

Conditions: Hot and Wet.


Tattoo update

Finally gone, after seven days of coolness. I must say, unlike the trick you pull on kids when you make them smoke a pack of cigarettes to get them to quit, this was a lot of fun. I noticed actual looks, people regarding me with some serious *regard* and such. Mmmm. Shall put some more thought into it.


Box office

Come with me to the merry land of the Box Office via the good folk at BoxOfficeMojo.com. For the weekend, sadly The Grudge 2 has knocked Scorsese's The Departed back to #2 slot, but it only dropped 30% from last week. That's pretty darn good. Man Of The Year opens in third, which is acceptable, and Open Season falls to fourth, but isn't too far away from profitableness. Sadly the Chainsaw epic has proven it's health once again, and it looks like The Guardian is going to be Andrew Davis's last big film. Damn shame. I think Schwarzeneggar killed his career.


Top Gear Musings.

Best damn show on television, but perhaps a little staged sometimes. I mean, if your caravan caught fire, and you were beating the flames with a seat cushion, if the cushion caught alight would you throw it out the window? For that matter, if the caravan caught fire, would you run out of it in order to ask someone else how to put the fire out? Still, previously they have also managed to set a car wash on fire so maybe it's a British thing. Pretty damn funny, anyway.


Peace out.

Serenity

Conditions: V warm and windy.


Car Update.

Car's great. A little hot thanks to the weather, but what do you expect.



Phone models.

If you've ever looked at a catalogue showing phones, you'll be as amazed as I am at the looks on the models' faces. Seriously, who gets that happy holding their phone? Is the phone emitting some kind of brain-altering signal? Are they all drunk? Perhaps the money is so good that they can't not smile. I find it annoying that I want to look at the specs of a phone, but am distracted by the clearly insanity-driven facial contortions of the people holding them. Or maybe this is just what phones do to us.


Advertising.

A block down from this building there's a corner store that rents out it's west wall for advertising. Normally it's billboard for a TV show, or some kind of snack food. Occasionally it's for beer. Now don't get me wrong, advertise the beer as much as you want, I don't care. A frosty tub of ice cold beer bottles surrounding a giant logo is fine. But the particular image the good folks at Corona have put up this week is nothing short of despicable. It's a shot of a gorgeous beach with a calm blue ocean lapping up against it. A flotilla of leafy green palm trees sit contentedly in the background, and a nicely-worn jetty stretches out before us. And if that isn't enough, at the end of the jetty is this empty deck-chair, beckoning the viewer in. Come, sit down, it says. Take a load off while I massage your back. What kind of bullshit is this? That we, the people, have to troop past this image of heart-stopping beauty and serene calm every day. It's not fair! I want to live in this paradise. I want to meander along that beach, swim casually in those warm blue waters, wander amongst the friendly palm trees (hey, tree, howsitgoin?), stroll along the decking, and softly rest, perhaps forever, upon the deck chair at it's end. I find myself standing transfixed before the billboard, during my lunch hour, uncaring to the beeps of ignorant traffic, or the stares of ignorant passersby. It's one thing to lock the monkey in the cage, hey it sucks but that's life. But it's something else when you then start dangling giant pictures of a serene paradise outside the cage, where the monkey can never reach. I hope the good folks at Corona are all collectively struck blind in an unfortunate rubber-band accident during a staff meeting. And then they'll be all 'oh, no, now I can't see the sandy beach, or the happy palm trees, or the calm blue ocean calm blue ocean calm blue ocean calm blue ocean calm blue ocean calm blue ocean calm blue ocean calm blue.........

Recovered from Weekend.

Conditions: Sunny and warm. 'Bout time!

Buying Software.

It used to be simple. You'd go to a store in town, pick the box off the shelf and pay for it. But something's changed. Now if I want to buy or upgrade to something made by Microsoft, I have to go online and send an email via a website (to who, I don't know) asking for information about upgrading. Is this the future of purchasing? No more counters, no more friendly staff, no more stores, just websites and feedback forms. I weep for the future consumers of our fledging little civilisation. And Kevin help you if you don't have an email address, I guess.


Pre-empting.

When a television station prints out their schedule in a newspaper or TV guide, you'd think they'd make logical decisions based on the commitments they've made. So (for instance) if they've decided to carry a live sporting event which therefore has to start at a certain time and place, then one should expect them to stick to that deal. So imagine my surprise when settling in recently to catch a live sporting event (quite the exciting one, too), I find another live sporting event, of a differ3ent nature, on instead. It seems the powers that be decided that overwriting the scheduled one with this one was the way to go. I beg to differ. A commitment is a commitment and (as is the case here) a live sporting event has gone past it's deadline and intrudes into the timeslot of another live sporting event, then the first one should be moved to another channel and the second one should start as scheduled. So shall it be written. So should it be done.


Documentation.

I hear a lot of people talking about how great a technical resource the internet is. That is true for simple things, but pursuing more complicated problems onto the interweb can get you even more confused. Recently looking for information regarding com+ objects, I've up and downloaded a great swathe of information, but it wasn't until I visited the local library that I finally found the answers I sought. Let that be a lesson. That, and always check version numbers.


North Korea.

Oh noes! Nuclear Weapons in the hands of eeevil foreigners! Whatever shall we do? Oh, grow up. NK are as likely to shoot missiles at anybody as The U.S of A is to conduct an illegal invasion of another sovereign country without U.N approval. Oh. I guess we're all screwed. It's nothing we don't deserve.


Temporary Tattoos.

How long are these things supposed to last? I got a dragon put across my right wrist and arm, and five days later it's still there, intimidating anyone I roll my sleeve up at. That sign did say 'temporary', right? Not bad for six bucks. Oh well, maybe I should just take the hint.


Motorsport Round-up.

Damn, that sucked. Bad crashes, people dying, engines blowing up, championships ruined. Enzo Ferrari named his autobiography 'My Terrible Joys'. It's weekends like this that I heartily agree with that.


Box Office.

From BoxOfficeMojo.com, the latest American box office figures. The Departed (a remake of the pretty good Asian film Internal Affairs) took in 26 mill on opening with a 90 mill budget (how'd they keep it that low with so many great actors?). The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake makes 18 in its first week, and is immediately profitable. Sigh. Open Season comes in third, and Employee of the Month debuts with 11 mill, it's also profitable. The Guardian chugs to 32 mill in its second week. Not sure what its budget is but I'd say it'd be nowhere near profitable yet and it's dropping fast. The sequel to the end of civilisation as we know it has raked in 62 mill so far. It's insanely profitable, and also insane. Heavy Sigh. And Jet Li's last martial arts movie ever has made 21 mill so far. That's a little surprising, it's a very good film.


What Sports Car are you?

http://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar/

I'm a Honda S2000. I find that insulting. Modern cars, bah.




Peace out.

More drama!

Conditions: Sunny, with clouds.

Borat.

Heard about this? A british comedian is pretending to be an immigrant from Kazakhstan for the purposes of selling a movie featuring his character. He portays Kazakhstan as a stone-age era nation, where the people are very cliched ass-backwards peasants. Now the real joke is that Kazakhstan (the actual Kazakhstan) is so worried about people taking this guy seriously that they've started a huge worldwide ad campaign to counter this film. I submit that they should be doing the exact opposite. In the same way Australia cashed in on Crocodile Dundee's success, the Kazakh tourism industry should be making adverts about how people can come to their country and relax in their medievel-style villages. Churn your own butter (good for the abs)! Tote your own water buckets (good for the legs)! Only five american dollars for a horse and a guide. Of course then you show the five-star hotels they'll be staying in at the end of the ad, reinforce the parody of the advert. The point is to roll with the joke, rather than make it seem you've got something to cover up.

Link to Erlan Idrissov (a Kazakh) worrying about the movie


Clintonian.

Scandal breaks over a Republican senator who apparently had a physical relationship with a 16-year old page (essentially an intern). The actual scandal though is in the details of how long the Republican leaders knew about this and said nothing. Columnist Sidney Blumenthal says in an article that Republican leaders knew about Foley's preying on pages since at least 2001. Nixon said once that it wasn't the crime that killed you, it was the coverup. With the senate elections looming, this is one story the Right wing desperately did not want out of the closet.

Blumenthal's article at The Guardian.


School shooting.

What is this, the third in a month? No, in a week! Autumn really sucks. Did you know someone actually asked why the shooter who walked into an Amish school house didn't get picked up by the metal dectector? Bad taste, perhaps, but I do wonder if the Amish comfortable with modern hospitals, ambulances and emergency helicopters?


State of Denial.

Which is the title of Bob Woodward's new book where he ...shockingly reveals that the ...Bush administration ....lied about .....the war .....in Iraq and ....and they ...ZZzzzzzzzz....




Bathurst!

Well it's that time of the year again. We stand on the brink of weekend full of couch-sitting, food-eating and TV-watching. Oh, and this time there's a race on. Ha, see what I did there? I kill me. Anyway, the great race is on again this weekend, and it'll be a blast. Did you know I went there once? My advice: it looks better on television, if a little flatter. With the unfortunate passing of Peter Perfect, the trophy has been named in his honour, which is better than getting a chicane named after you. It looks to be a tougher fight for the Holdens this year, as the Fords are in better form so far but you never know.

Peace out.

Monday

Conditions: Overcast. Boo.


The United States of Tyranny.

From truthout, a response to the latest legislation regarding the 'war on terror' the American Senate has just passed:

It just keeps getting worse. This morning, esteemed Yale Law professor Bruce Ackerman published this fine essay in the Los Angeles Times. His lead? "Buried in the complex Senate compromise on detainee treatment is a real shocker, reaching far beyond the legal struggles about foreign terrorist suspects in the Guantanamo Bay fortress. The compromise legislation, which is racing toward the White House, authorizes the president to seize American citizens as enemy combatants, even if they have never left the United States. And once thrown into military prison, they cannot expect a trial by their peers or any other of the normal protections of the Bill of Rights.

"This dangerous compromise," Professor Ackerman continued, "not only authorizes the president to seize and hold terrorists who have fought against our troops 'during an armed conflict,' it also allows him to seize anybody who has 'purposefully and materially supported hostilities against the United States.' This grants the president enormous power over citizens and legal residents. They can be designated as enemy combatants if they have contributed money to a Middle Eastern charity, and they can be held indefinitely in a military prison."

But that's not all. The legislation also possibly allows illegally obtained evidence to be used against 'enemy combatants'. Who'd have ever thunk the U.S of A could do something like this, and yet people still aren't out protesting in the street? Of course, some are angry. The columnists are angry, the pundits are angry. The politicians are angry. It's fresh chum in the shark tank. But the people? Meh.


Schumacher.

I don't follow a lot of sports, in fact hardly any at all. ball sports, team sports, whatever. But there's one sport that's fascinated me from the earliest that I remember, motor sport. And in the diverse realm of motorsport, Formula One still sort-of (it's complicated) reigns at the peak. With the loss of Senna twelve years ago (holy crap, twelve!) the sport has taken a distinct turn for the boring. Boring tracks with too many slow corners, boring cars with too powerful wings and traction control, and boring drivers who are their corporate sponsors. But Michael Schumacher has always made it interesting, always been the fiery flawed human element in the all-too mechanical process. Unfortunately his human failings over the years has made him hated by most of the F1 'fans' world wide. He's never had a nemesis in the same way other champions have, which meant a) a glorious/envious run of championships, victories and records, and b) nothing to take the glare away from his mistakes and mis-judgements. That sadly has made him one of the most hated drivers in the sport, ever. Well he's retiring at the end of this year, the haters will finally get what they want, but we're really going to miss him. In fact, even the haters will eventually miss him. He put in another great performance on the weekend in Shanghai, driving a car that wasn't suited to the conditions, was outmatched by the Renaults, but through cunning, skill and luck managed to pull off an unlikely victory. It was brilliant. And tinged by the realisation that once he's gone, that spark will be gone too, because unlike when Mansell retired, or Prost retired, or Senna died, I can't see who could inherit his position, or more accurately, his 'dynamic' when he's gone.





Movie Review: Talladega Nights.

Hey, I can review films too! So, Talladega Nights. Unfortunately, I don't have much to say about it. It's funny in places, feels a bit forced in others. Go if you want a laugh, I guess. Okay, it's damnation by faint praise. Not an auspicious start.